Crimson Stains

So part of what I want to write about on here will require a bit of my back story. I feel that God has allowed many things to happen in my life, good bad and ugly and I want to share the experiences and the things I've learned in hopes of someone else benefiting from them.

I think it would be safe to say I had a fairly typical and very healthy childhood growing up. I am the youngest of three, my sister Sarah is 7 years older and my brother Daniel is 5 years older. We were raised in north Spokane, Washington and spent our time in the great outdoors of the Pacific Northwest and playing sports. We were a very close-knit family and I think we all cherish the time we had together growing up. We were raised in a Christian household with parents who grew up in the age of hippies and rock and roll. My favorite pictures of my parents are when they looked like hippies. I credit both my mom and dad for my severe passion for music and the deep need to always hear it louder. They taught me to love everything from Peter Frampton to Fernando Ortega and Sara Brightman. In case you're wondering that would be everything from Rock to Christian and even Opera. My father was a carpenter most of my childhood and my mom a nurse. I spent a lot of time with my dad going to his side jobs or projects around the house. He gave me my interest and passion for do-it-yourself projects. There's just something great about using a drill. My mom loves to decorate and make a house feel like a home. She used to watch this gay guy named Christopher (I think) who had a lisp and was possibly crazy but his talent for interior design was incredible and he made us laugh. My mom taught me how to laugh hardily.

When I was in the second grade my family purchased 10 acres about ten minutes outside of town with a sweeping view of the city, Mt. Spokane, and on a clear day the Canadian Rockies. It was beautiful there. I hated it! For a long time at least until my friends could drive and my social life came back to me. The home we built there as a family set many pieces of my life into a firm foundation of the Lord. In some of my happier dreams I dream of being at that home, or walking in the field or discovering the surrounding woods.  Many times I went to bed with my parents having friends over and praying together on their knees in our living room, or woke up to my parents on the deck reading the Bible or a good book, or just talking with one another. God tells us he reveals Himself to us in his creation. Well, it was all around me. My childhood was spent pretending to be a wilderness girl and planting a secret garden of my very own (remember that movie???). There were animals everywhere and the stars at night were indescribable. We could even see the Northern Lights! Growing up the Lord made himself very known to me at a very young age, and it was a good thing He did, because I'd need to know Him well to survive my teenage years. 

When I was about 15 my parents marriage began to crumble. It was a very trying time for everyone in my family. My sister had a little boy named Josh and was a single mom doing her best to raise him on her own. My brother was in college and I was in many ways an only child at this point. I think we'd all agree we felt heavily the spiritual attack on our family. I had these vivid dreams where Satan was sitting atop a throne with all of my friends and family (sometimes just their heads.... gross) and he sees me coming and smiles the most evil smile I've ever seen and says to me, "I'm going to kill everyone you love."  Or sometimes he'd tell me he was going to take away everyone I loved.  God allows difficult times in our life and this was definitely no exception. It was very close to my parents 25th wedding anniversary that they divorced and I still wish to this day they had made it that far. For them to feel the blessing of that.  I've always thought they were a great team.

 There's a lot of tough, sad details that I could add in here but maybe they'll come up at a later time and I'll tell you more. Just know that this was the beginnings of the most difficult years of my life. And more than once I almost didn't make it through. It has only been by the grace of God and his love for me that has seen me through to this day. I don't know that I'd say my family is completely out of the woods from this spiritual attack, or rather I'd say, that we're still very much fighting. Many things have changed, people come and gone, but we are all still in battle. 

Jesus has been so good to me. I remember after my parents divorced crying myself to sleep every night in the chest of my dog Maddie because she was the only one there for me. I still believe to this day she knew she was.  I used to sit in the back of my math class my sophomore year and just cry. My heart was crushed, my family torn. In many ways divorce steals the innocence of a childhood, regardless of age, because mommy and daddy don't want to be together anymore and something in your heart tells you it's sickeningly not right. This was the first time my heart was broken in half and it would never perfectly repair again. I say Jesus has been good to me, because looking back now in my mind I see myself crying, hurting and broken and seeing it all from the outside now, I see Jesus there with me every step of the way, keeping me from completely crumbling.